Monday, August 2, 2010
It began a long time ago while I was hiking the Inca trail. Well ok, 5 years ago, really.
I was trying to "find" myself after surviving the shards of a broken relationship, and a completely shattered ego. Instead, I found a pretty amusing boy who was a struggling writer and a delightful wine drinker. That began a series of profound but unfruitful relationships with men which I shall name: post traumatic boyfriends. PTBs are often people who you share a great deal of unhealthy intimacy with. They see the most insecure side of you, and they failingly try not to provoke you to cry over that broken heart of yours, which you bandaided with their affections. But my PTBs are also people who I had tons of fun with, loved with abandon, and in essence, learned a great deal about myself and relationships.
Anyhow, during one of my many deep, philosophical conversations with A. over candles and glasses of beautiful Napa wines, he asked me what my Wild Ass plans are, you know- your bucket list. I told him a bunch of stuff, mostly travelling to exotic places and eating coveted culinary treasures. Look, I was in no shape to fantasize- my life was a mess, and it would have been nice just to survive a day without wondering how I was going to get my joy back :(
Right, so fast forward 6 years and I finally got my shit together. I am living in another country, enjoying the life I want, and already been to most of those exotic places I listed for my wild ass plans. My life is in order: I have my health, my career is good, and my friends and family are blessed. In comfortable circumstances like that, I was inevitably doomed to ponder the question reserved only for the privileged: what are my dreams and how to make them come true?
So, what are my dreams?
1.) Be with someone I love and who adores me back. Who is he? He must be my partner in crime, my shoulder to rest on, my coolest friend. He would actually want to go through the ordeal of getting a reservation at El Bulli, buying plane tickets to get there, and close his eyes and sigh- as I feed him a spoonful of Ferran Adria's masterpiece. Or he must be so smart, so amusing, and so good looking that I am willing to forgo the opportunity of ever meeting someone who matches the above description.
2.) Go to Paris for a month and attend the Pastry course at the Cordon Bleu. I envision a beautiful month of sweat and tears over perfecting croissants and brioches. Morning coffees at the local cafe, and lots of wine and luxurious dinners with friends :)
3.) Owning a business that I can have fun with and makes enough money to take my family on vacations without struggling to pay for the plane tickets.
I just read a section in Paulo Coelho's The Pilgrimage, in which he envisioned his death during a meditation exercise. He wrote:
I remembered also the number of times I had failed to do what I wanted to do, thinking I could always do it later. I felt very sorry for myself, not only because I was about to be buried alive but also because I had been afraid to live... ... My wife is going to forget all about me and will marry someone else and spend the money we have struggled to save for all these years! But who cares about that. I want to be with her now, because I'm alive!
How profound is that? We are always afraid of consequences, thinking about what may happen. Like John Lennon once said, "life is what happens while you are busy making other plans." It finally occurred to me one night at dinner with my cousin when he asked me the age old question: what would you do if you win the lottery? And I told him about plan no. 2. Then I was like, wait a minute, I don't need to win the lottery to do that do I?!
Oh, and one p.s. to my W.A.P.s. To write a book. Any life worth living is worth the self centered act of writing a memoir.